Desperate times mean desperate measures. That’s how the admonition/ homily/ observation has evolved through the eons. Credited to Hippocrates, speaking of how to treat rare illnesses in the days before Theodoric of Yorkick discovered bloodletting. Though some cite Erasmus, another ancient as the first proclaimer. Then there’s Willie the Shakes in “The Tempest.” Misery acquaints […]
Desperate times mean desperate measures.
That’s how the admonition/ homily/ observation has evolved through the eons. Credited to Hippocrates, speaking of how to treat rare illnesses in the days before Theodoric of Yorkick discovered bloodletting.
Though some cite Erasmus, another ancient as the first proclaimer.
Then there’s Willie the Shakes in “The Tempest.”
Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.
Such invocations apply to the fact that my performance so far in postseason picks have been as odoriferous as the Bean Bowl in Boca.
Thus I have fired my entire support staff and hired new ones, strangers I hardly know.
But it is far from why it is the lede, even with my mediocre 5-4 record so far, 2-2 in CFP.
It is to herald a gift from the ever beneficent Greek deity Bronconaguskius that shall keep on giving next football season. Or at least a portion of it. Over/ unders have been set.
Beleaguered Bill Belichick has hired Bobby Petrino as his new OC at North Carolina.
Yes, go ahead, exclaim it: WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go open your windows on this unseasonably warm day and bellow, “I’m pleased as punch, and I’ll take all of it I can get.”
Tis a motorspycho dream come true.
Ride like the wind, dudes. But be wary Billy and Bobby, there’s a violent windy storm out there.
Will Jessica Dorrell and Jordon Hudson become besties?
Stay tuned.
Just another twist and turn in Fansville. Has there ever been a gridiron postseason as wild and curious as this one?
Correct answer: Not even close.
My new support staff advises analytics have been adjusted, my hard drive has been defragmented, the data quadruple checked and the following are sure winners in the next few days:
New Mexico vs. Minnesota (Rate Bowl): If any thematic element can be gleaned from today’s selections, it’s that a majority of these bowl battles shall be contested on traditional baseball diamonds. This one on the D-backs diamond. The Rate Bowl is sponsored by some mortgage company, which used to be Guaranteed Rate. Wonder what might have caused that branding adjustment? Interest rate swings, maaaaaayyybee. The Mountain West co-champion Lobos come in with a six game winning skein at their backs. Mark it seven.
Georgia Tech vs. Brigham Young (Pop Tarts Bowl): Winners get to feast on the mascot after it/he/she/them has been baked through the world’s largest toaster. Actually such is this a marketing marvel, last year I actually bought and tried a Pop Tart for the first time since, oh, a one and done in 1964. Again a one and done. As for the football — which I am attempting to address every so often in this screed — it should be a good game. The Ramblin’ Wreck is/are gritty. The Cougs are mature, those two year missions and all. And chaste if not betrothed. Flip ‘o the coin. Book it, Mormons.
Virginia vs. Missouri (Tax Slayer): Every year I consider alternatives to the tax prep software I traditionally have used. This game’s sponsor being one of them. But always figure it’s not as robust and helpful for an old man whose math isn’t as good as when Miss Osborne had us doing multiplication tables first thing every morning in 5th grade. But here it is working the rounds during bowl time. Pretty decent matchup, this one. Will the Hoos have recovered from being an OT away from the CFP? Will the Tigers from Mizzou show us? Never have I been considered cavalier in the context of romance, though my dismissive attitude on occasion has been so described. But I am an ACC guy. UVa.
Connecticut vs. West Point (Fenway): I am curious by the thinking of this bowl’s sponsor’s branding arm. Wasabi Technologies. Why name your company for the root we grated and put on our saba at the the sushi place? Strange. But not as much as the marketing opp missed. Shouldn’t there be some Green Monster mascot walking out of that iconic left field wall? To the delight of the few wrapped for winter kids in the crowd, and to give the announcers something to shill during booth reviews besides cloud storage. The Long Gray Line shall be victorious on the oddly angled gridiron.
Pennsylvania State vs. Clemson (Pinstripe): No surprise here, another “battle” on a baseball field. This one being the House that Replaced the House that Ruth Built. In yet another sponsorship curiosity, what we have here is Bad Boy Mowers. In the most urban city in the land, with hardly a lawn of significance, and but a few “farm” sort of spaces, if any. BBM makes tractors, mowers and lawn tools. And silly you thought a walking around game mascot turning into an actual edible pastry was odd. As for the game: Top 5 rivals, James Franklin’s Nittany Lions vs. Dabo’s Tigers shall fight it out to move on. Oops. Except that Franklin’s been ditched and is now eating Crumbl cookies with his Hokies in Blacksburg, Dabo’s wondering if there might be some merit in learning about the portal, and neither team was very good at 6-6 and 7-5. I got a hunch that the dudes from State College git ‘er done.
— c d kaplan
Category: General Sports
