Jolly Jake's gift giving not so jolly this year thanks to Cleveland sports landscape

When Santa Spence went into semi-retirement some years back, he began his search for someone to take over the business of gifting his favorite Cleveland sports teams and his beloved Ohio State Buckeyes some holiday gifts.

So, Jolly Jake has decided to step up and give Spence's surgically repaired right knee and arthritic left knee some much-deserved time off. While Santa Spence sips tropical egg nog in the beach with Brian Hartline in South Florida, Jolly Jake is going to be busy this Christmas season hopefully living up to the legendary gift-giving legacy left behind.

Maybe these gifts to the Cavs, Guardians, Browns and Buckeyes will make Santa Spence proud.

Here goes:

First stop, Rocket Arena

Donovan Mitchell: A bucket. Zero points in an overtime loss to the Hornets on Dec. 14 as a team? That's enough to turn anyone into the Grinch. Seriously? The Hornets?

Darius Garland: LeBron's bionic toes. Have you seen those things? And he can still run on them at 40-plus.

Evan Mobley: Some shorter legs. No wonder why he strained his calf. His legs are too long for his muscles.

Jarrett Allen: Allen Iverson's trademark finger sleeve. He never seemed to miss games with hurt fingers. There has to be something to that.

Lonzo Ball: Some directions. He seems lost on the court and in the game.

The entire team: A medical staff. Jolly Jake has never seen this many injuries to one team in all his years of delivering presents. Also, a new shooting coach. Those bricked 3-pointers are stacking higher than Jolly Jake's two chimneys at his house.

The fanbase: Some patience. Just wait until everyone gets healthy for a stretch run. Having the best regular-season record may be the most pointless thing in the sport. Remember 2024-25?

On to the corner of Carnegie and Ontario

Paul Dolan: A checkbook. Preferably to his own bank account. Jolly Jake still doesn't understand why he won't spend his pile of money that rivals Scrooge McDuck's. Also, some pride. He seems all too happy to "just make the playoffs" instead of actually winning something.

General Manager Mike Chernoff: A few trade chips. Bring AJ Blubaugh home to Cleveland to bolster that bullpen. Also, would a right-handed bat be too much of an ask?

Stephen Vogt: More space on his mantel. Plenty more AL Manager of the Year Awards incoming as he continues to lead a team of misfit toys to the playoffs. Jolly Jake would love to leave a 2026 World Series ring under his tree, too.

Jose Ramirez: An MVP Award. How does this guy not win it year after year leading a team of misfits to AL Central Championships?!

Steven Kwan: A long-term contract extension. I can already see Paul sweating through his Christmas pajamas thinking about the money it would cost.

Brayan Rocchio: A start to 2026 like the end of 2025. Dude was like Rudolph leading the Guardians.

Bo Naylor: A tennis racquet.

Jhonkensy Noel: Remember that right handed bat gift? Maybe Big Christmas can figure things out. If he can get reassigned to the club, that is. How grinchy is it that he gets fired less than a week before Christmas?

Do I have to stop at 76 Lou Groza Boulevard, Berea?

Kevin Stefanski: A posh New York Apartment. Things seem to have run their course in Cleveland. Maybe he will have better luck with the Giants.

Myles Garrett: A gold jacket and a parade as the single-season sack king. He seems to be the only thing worth celebrating with this team.

Carson Schwesinger: The NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year Award. This guy covers more ground on the football field than Santa on Christmas night.

Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah: A clean bill of health for the 2026 season. Could you imagine JOK and Schwesinger lined up side by side?

Shedeur Sanders: An offensive line. Joe Thomas once said he introduced himself to a quarterback in the huddle of a game. Sanders is doing that with offensive linemen right now. Also, a wide receiver. It's hard to throw the ball when no one can get open. Also, a coach who believes in him. Maybe then he can get the right play card in his wrist coach. This sack of presents is getting heavy.

Harold Fannin Jr.: David Njoku's swag. This kid is a superstar.

Quinshon Judkins: An offensive line. Wait, didn't I give that to Sanders, too?

Jerry Jeudy: A jack hammer. Maybe that will chip away the cement he has for hands.

Bill Callahan: A welcome mat. He might be the only one who can fix this offensive line mess.

Bubba Ventrone: A plane ticket to anywhere other than the sidelines as the special teams coach. That aspect of the Browns is anything but special.

Browns Fans: More patience. The most patient fanbase in all of sports needs just a little bit more. 2029 is the year.

Final stop, the Woody Hayes Athletic Center

Ryan Day: You got a win over Michigan, what more do you want? Ok, Ok, how about a Big Ten Championship ... next year?

Matt Patricia: A new hat selection. The flat cap just isn't a good look. And maybe as associate head coaching position. Who knows what OSU fans will do to Ryan Day if they don't win the Natty.

Chip Kelly: A welcome mat. With Brian Hartline headed for the warmer weather of South Florida and Kelly's time in Las Vegas gone quicker than Jolly Jake's gambling cash, the Buckeyes could use a familiar face calling plays next year.

Julian Sayin: Some more wide receiver talent to throw the ball to as if Carnell Tate and Jeremiah Smith aren't enough. You were thinking the Heisman Trophy here? Eh.

Carnell Tate: A Browns jersey after the 2026 draft. That almost sounds like a lump of coal.

Jeremiah Smith: A Browns jersey after the 2027 draft. That's how bad the Browns need wide receiver help.

Arvell Reese: The game saving tackle in the National Championship game. Go ahead and give him a Browns jersey, too. The Cleveland boy should stay home.

Caleb Downs: A history lesson on who Jim Thorpe is. After winning the 2025 Jim Thorpe Award, what more could this guy need? A Browns jersey perhaps?

OSU Fans: A big fat L on New Year's Eve. Jolly Jake is a Miami fan. Go Canes!

Jake Furr is the sports reporter for the Mansfield News Journal. He can be reached through email at [email protected] or on X at @JakeFurr11.

This article originally appeared on Mansfield News Journal: Jolly Jake's gift giving not so jolly this year thanks to Cleveland sports landscape