England must stir themselves and move on from investigations and social media videos if they want to avoid a potential 5-0 Ashes whitewash, writes chief cricket report Stephan Shemilt.
The Mega Munch takeaway in Nottingham has a special place in English cricketing history.
It was there that some worse-for-wear England players ended their celebrations of a win over New Zealand with a late-night meal.
Trent Bridge had been the birth of Bazball, a breathtaking run chase led by the swash and buckle of Jonny Bairstow on a sun-soaked Tuesday evening in June 2022.
In the aftermath of such an astonishing win, the England players and staff started their night on the tiles with beers on the dressing-room balcony. The drinking carried on to the early hours and the trip to Mega Munch that was filmed and posted online by a member of the public.
England have celebrated series wins with drinks - travelling journalists were invited to join in on one occasion. James Anderson marked the end of his illustrious international career by necking a Guinness at Lord's last July.
For every drinking session, there is a hangover. England warmed up for the 2023 Ashes with a boozy golf trip and found themselves 2-0 down. Twelve months ago, after going 2-0 up to win a series in New Zealand, England subsequently struggled through the third Test in Hamilton.
Now, there is the Ashes and the fallout of England's break in Noosa.
There are many words that could be written about cricket's complex relationship with alcohol.
On Tuesday, coach Andrew McDonald said Australia opener Travis Head had reported to training before the fourth Test in Melbourne not in his best state after enjoying the home side's Ashes triumph.
As the whole of Australia gears up for the Boxing Day Test, Head and his family were pictured in a Christmas scene on the front of the Herald Sun newspaper. A national hero for his batting and drinking.
Ultimately, it boils down to results. Drink when you're winning, don't when you're not - at least not in public. When the fun stops, stop.
"When you're winning, it's a lot easier to do stuff," said England captain Ben Stokes. "When you're losing, like we have done with being 3-0 down, everything you say, everything you do gets criticised, analysed, and rightly so.
"You don't really have a leg to stand on when you are 3-0 down in a big series like this."
England have not lost the Ashes because of what they drank in Noosa, or any other part of Australia.
Their shots on the field have been worse than those in the bar, the bowling has sprayed like champagne and the dropped catches would bring the same cheer from a packed pub as when a glass shatters on the ground.
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In that dizzying summer of 2022, the Bazball vibes breathed life into an England Test team that could not win on the field and were weary of Covid restrictions off it.
Now the accusation is that England have become too chill. You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
England have unravelled despite, and because, of the approach of Stokes and coach Brendon McCullum.
New Zealander McCullum, a fan of the All Blacks' famous 'no dickheads' policy, signed off on the trip to Noosa and all the risks it entailed.
The policy was designed by mental skills coach Gilbert Enoka to allows players to police themselves. Enoka has worked with England under McCullum.
Stokes has seen the worst side of media scrutiny, following the 2017 incident outside a Bristol nightclub that cost him a place on the subsequent Ashes tour.
"I have first-hand experience of how this can affect people," said Stokes. "My role as England captain is to protect my players as much as I possibly can."
It is a fair and admirable stance to take. Maybe it has come too late.
England have faced some unfair allegations on this Ashes tour. Former Australia pace bowler Mitchell Johnson labelled them "arrogant", which Stokes was right to knock back.
But Stokes' men have been careless, loose and downright dopey. They knew the traps they could fall into in Australia - director of cricket Rob Key warned them not to do anything "stupid" back in September.
History has repeated itself. On the Ashes tour eight years ago, there was the Jonny Bairstow 'headbutt' controversy and Ben Duckett tipping a beer over James Anderson. It led to local media asking Moeen Ali, a practising Muslim, if he will be able to stay out of the pub.
At the end of the 2021-22 tour, a video emerged of a drinking session involving players from both sides having to be broken up by police.
Even without off-field distractions, touring Australia is hard. England's record in this country this century is played 33, lost 26, won four and drawn three.
Of the four wins, three came in a single series when England lifted the urn in Australia for the only time in the past 39 years.
In the team were England's greatest opener, their two all-time leading Test wicket-takers, their best spinner of the past 40 years and possibly the most talented batter to ever play for the country. Three players in the squad have been knighted.
Now, Stokes and Joe Root, two other bona fide England legends, are poised to go through their careers without a single win in Australia. This latest defeat has come at the hands of Michael Neser, Brendan Doggett and Jake Weatherald.
The Bazball era was not meant to end like this. Stokes and McCullum had England playing some thrilling cricket with spectacular results. The Trent Bridge victory over New Zealand, followed by Pakistan in Rawalpindi and India in Hyderabad.
It is falling apart with a familiar tale of woe in Australia. If you are one of those feeling smug because you predicted this, did you take pleasure in the 4-0 defeat four years ago, or the 4-0 before that, or the 5-0 before that?
Somehow, a beaten and bruised England must stir themselves to find a Christmas miracle at the Melbourne Cricket Ground on the most anticipated day in the Australian sporting calendar.
They do so with Jofra Archer out of the series, Jacob Bethell into the team despite only playing three first-class matches in the past year, a spinner in Will Jacks who is really a batter and a pace attack that has never played together before.
A win against the odds would help switch the narrative from investigations and social media videos. Defeat would mean a new year in Sydney staring down the barrel of a 5-0.
Merry Christmas. Please drink responsibly.
Category: General Sports
