Let’s get ready for the playoff by taking a look at the field.
Let us acknowledge that the playoff is ridiculous and we hate it. That being said, there’s asses out there to be kicked, so let’s get to stompin’.
As I’ve said before, while honor forbids me from saying anything nice about Steve Spurrier, I do begrudgingly respect his innovations in the field of Haterology. So, I wanted to get everyone ready for the playoff by saying a bunch of mean stuff about all the teams in the field except for one. Can you guess which??
Does this article contain any actual football analysis or information? No. But will it be funny? Also probably no.
1. Indiana
That being said, it’s entirely possible they’ve already emptied the clip against Ohio State, and this heartwarming story is about to run into the grim reality of roster strength. Fernando Mendoza has been a great story, and he’s been legitimately great, but do you really think a dude who was originally committed to Yale is going to win a title?
I still haven’t gotten my mind around the fact that Indiana has made the playoff two years in a row and is now the #1 seed. I don’t even have anything mean to say. We should seriously consider making Curt Cignetti the president.
If they win…
Bloomington is a fantastic college town, probably second only to Athens. If you’re ever there, be sure to check out Nick’s English Hut, a great pizza place/bar. And the campus is unbelievably beautiful. Seeing one of the all-time losingest teams win a title is probably the second-best outcome here. They’re also a fellow red team, which means we can consider them Honorary Dawgs if disaster befalls Georgia.
2. Ohio State
Boy, seeing Matt Patricia make a comeback sure is a feel-good story for the ages, isn’t it?
My parents used to have a dirtbag neighbor who was always about half a Miller Lite from saying something that would ruin the good time everyone was having. That man looked exactly, EXACTLY, like Ryan Day. Day has the energy of the guy in the company-branded quarter-zip that you try to avoid at the airport bar. No wonder Brian Hartline took the USF job.
If they win…
Ugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh, throw me off the Sears Tower. At least Jeremiah Smith is cool.
3. Georgia
In a sport filled with charlatans, cheaters, crybabies, frauds, hooligans, malefactors, mountebanks, ne’er-do-wells, rascals, reprobates, rogues, ruffians, skinflints, spendthrifts, snakes, scoundrels, villains, whiners, wretches, and garden-variety psychopaths, Georgia alone represents the high-minded ideals on which the game was founded. Only Georgia football embodies the principles of sportsmanship, athleticism, competitive integrity, self-betterment, and humility that sports are meant to cultivate in the human soul. Those lucky enough to count themselves among the Georgia faithful have attained a level of emotional maturity, intellectual refinement, and inward metaphysical harmony previously known only to the sages of the ancient world. This spiritual enlightenment is reflected in the community’s habit of barking at opponents, which the less fortunate see as an act of aggression rather than the joyful greeting of a perfected soul.
If I should ever die, God forbid, bury my heart at Sanford Stadium, a peaceful mausoleum for a grateful ghost.
We finally beat Alabama in Atlanta. Nobody can stop us now!
On the other hand, the single-worst human being I’ve ever met is also a Georgia fan. On the rare occasions when we lose, I take the sting out of it by thinking about how he’s unhappy, too.
4. Texas Tech
Despite having the Ubermensch at quarterback for three years, Texas Tech has played exactly two interesting football games this century. The first was the Red Raiders’ 2008 upset of #1 Texas with the legendary last-second Michael Crabtree catch. In the other, Patrick Mahomes threw for a record-tying 734 (!!!) yards against Oklahoma in a game his team somehow still lost.
This year, the addled oilfolk who constitute TT’s booster squad finally poured the GDP of San Marino into the team’s roster. The result will end up being the most forgettable 11-win season you’ve ever seen. Five years from now, you’ll probably lose bar trivia because you won’t remember this team made the playoff. I’m told they have a couple of impressive linebackers, but, to quote Jules Winfield, “Sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’d never know.”
Texas Tech wins this year’s Oklahoma Sooners Memorial Award for Most Fraudulent Playoff Participant. Nobody was afraid of the Big 12 when they still had the actually good teams. Why start now?
If they win…
On some level, it might be kind of fun for a traditional also-ran to win it all. Just speaking personally, though, the third-worst human being I’ve ever met is a deranged Texas Tech booster, so even the modest level of success they’re currently experiencing fills me with anguish.
5. Oregon
The Oregon Ducks cannily employ an affable, cuddly mascot and some wild uniform combinations to obscure the fact that the program is swimming in Nike dollars. All that cash has netted them the exact same number of national championships as noted football powerhouse St. Louis College of Pharmacy. Seriously, Lafayette (the Pennsylvania one), Cornell, and Vanderbilt all claim championships, and you’ve never won one? What are you doing with all that money?
You might remember the Ducks from their early 10s teams that lit up scoreboards thanks to the Chip Kelly blur offense until it was time to play in a game that mattered. Then suddenly their offense became D.B. Cooper (another notable Oregonian). We have Kelly and his Magic Vanishing Offense to thank for Auburn’s lone championship this century. Great work!
Hey, where is Chip Kelly now anyway? Oh right.
If they win…
I know better than to say anything mean about Dan Lanning on the internet, lest he show up at my house to yell at me and beat me with a stick. Also, if Oregon wins, Georgia fans can claim this as a partial title because Lanning is from Kirby’s coaching tree.
6. Ole Miss
There’s nothing I can say about the Ole Miss ReBears that’s worse than what Lane Kiffin has already put them through. But I’m sure all the coaching drama will make for a smooth transition to the new administration, right? I mean, it’s not like Pete Golding’s introductory press conference had the energy of a man who’s just been informed he has to go to Mars next week.
When a backup quarterback is forced to start, one of two things usually happens. Either he goes out and throws for 400 yards and four touchdowns on pure adrenaline, or he explodes on the launchpad. Let’s find out which one Golding is gonna do!
If they win…
Trinidad Chambliss and Kewan Lacy are both extremely fun to watch, unless of course it’s your team’s defense that they’re shredding. The defense probably can’t hold up, but if Ole Miss makes the title game, hooboy do you want to be in Miami for the party.
7. Texas A&M
Less a football team than a cult that worships a collie, Texas A&M is the living incarnation of an 8-4 record. They spent November cheating the hangman while everyone said “Wow, I guess they’re actually good this year!” But, like the guy in the horror movie hiding a zombie bite from his friends, the inevitable happened.
They were last seen cramming a full season’s worth of regression into their final game of the season, which is coincidentally the one they care the most about. The slow oil leak that started around Halloween has progressed to the point where there are flames shooting out of the engine block as we enter the home stretch. But don’t worry, Aggies, I’m sure you’ll manage to finally reverse a century of futility. After all, you’re playing Miami in the first round, and they’re similarly snakebit. Just don’t look at who’s after that.
If they win…
At least Marcel Reed is extremely cool. More than that, seeing Mike Elko win a championship in his second year here would make Jimbo Fisher look like a complete idiot, not that he needs any help with that. Also, please don’t misinterpret that first sentence above as disrespecting Revillie. I would never speak an ill word about Miss Rev.
8. Oklahoma
Oklahoma decided to adapt to its new SEC home by siphoning all the gas out of its old Big 12 offense to fuel a legitimately terrifying defense. The result has been a masterclass in playing football games that challenge the concept of “watchability” in new, esoteric ways. Anytime you see these Sooners in a primetime game, go ahead and make a dinner reservation somewhere nice. Your family will appreciate getting a night out during football season, and you absolutely won’t miss anything worth seeing.
Watching the Sooners try to matriculate the ball down the field is more punishing than Salo. Brent Venables hates offense so much he won’t even let his own team have a functional one. He stays up late trying to figure out ways to win a game while gaining exactly zero yards. Look, I’m a Georgia fan — I appreciate defense! But can you at least do one interesting thing during a game??
If they win…
The defense is absolutely incredible. Hanging in the pocket as R Mason Thomas rushes you takes the kind of courage that you’d need to go over the top during the trench warfare days. And even though he’s been hampered since his hand surgery, John Mateer has the potential to be fun. Also, their OC is named Ben Arbuckle, which reminds me of Garfield.
9. Alabama
Here is a true story: In the late 90s, my family took two vacations to Gulf Shores in the same year. The regular one, and the second, special trip back to testify against the local gentleman who stabbed my cousin, unprovoked and wordlessly. On another family vacation, the engine in our car exploded, trapping us in Prattville for two days. Alabama: We’ll meet again, and you’ll hate it!
Georgia held Alabama to -3 rushing yards in the SEC championship.
If they win…
I suppose it would be nice to see DeBoer deliver a championship to a title starved fanbase…loljk. That being said, since the committee called while they were strapping these guys into the chair at 11:59, I’m fairly convinced they’re going to win the whole thing. Might as well get used to the idea now.
10. Miami
Explaining to someone under 30 that Miami used to be appointment viewing is like telling them you did your homework by candlelight. Those late 90s/early 00s teams are as distant a memory as the Age of Sail. Also, do you guys remember Mark Richt coached here for a little bit after he left Georgia? It was like seeing your Sunday school teacher take over a pruno operation.
They’re led by Mario Cristobal, a man who looks like Sam the Eagle wearing a Spirit Halloween Frankenstein’s monster costume. He perpetually has an expression like he’s trying to do long division with Roman numerals. That befuddlement isn’t just an act, either, as he routinely finds byzantine ways to lose football games. Remember the Miracle at the Meadowlands? Mario Cristobal does, and he’s devoted himself to Is it good when your horrible decision makes your own player do this? They should give teams six timeouts per half because it would be fun to see Cristobal call four of them before the game started.
If they win…
I was vaguely pro-Miami for a while because of Richt and because Sebastian the Ibis is a good mascot. Then I heard a Miami fan as a podcast guest earlier this season, and he was more delusional than any other football fan I’ve ever heard. Now I almost exclusively root against Miami. Anyway, with Carson Beck and Cristobal at the helm, I don’t think we need to worry about them going all that far in the tournament.
11. Tulane
Tulane is the preferred school of the kind of kid who takes AP classes but never does any of the work. I joke, but going to Tulane is smart because you get to live in New Orleans and partake of its many culinary and cultural delights. You come out of the experience with a respectable degree instead of liver damage.
Tulane was a charter member of the SEC, but the snuck out the back in 1966 to “focus on academics,” which is another way of saying “This is Vanderbilt’s problem now.” After 60 years of nothing much, the absolutely bonkers governance structure of the sport positioned them to annually contend to be the sacrificial offering from the G5 to the playoff. So get used to seeing a bit more Tulane football in your future than you thought possible.
If they win…
One cool thing about Tulane is the school’s mascot, the Green Wave, is one of the small number that doesn’t end in -s. And I would much rather play them in the Sugar Bowl than Ole Miss. It would be particularly fun to welcome Jon Sumrall to his new job by beating him before he even gets there.
12. James Madison
James Madison University is located in the interior part of Virginia, which is a great place to avoid at all costs. The school’s namesake, James Madison, had a huge influence on the United States of America as the primary author of the constitution before serving as the fourth president. During the War of 1812, his wife Dolly saved an iconic portrait of George Washington and some vital government documents during the British assault on Washington, D.C. He was also the shortest president, with a height of 5’4”, and he only weighed about 100 pounds. That’s an incredible legacy for such a tiny man!
You’ll notice I haven’t said anything about football here.
If they win…
Their star player is running back Wayne Knight. Did you know that the actor of the same name is a Georgia alumnus? That’s right — the law is clear that we can claim this one too!
Category: General Sports
