This drama was never going to end in a normal way.
Micah Parsons’ status with the Cowboys has been the legendary off-field football drama of the Summer. It has everything: One of the league’s best players, a crotchety old owner, an agent with hurt feelings, and contractual issues. Dallas, in its eternal football wisdom, has dug its heels in over getting Parsons a new contract worthy of his ability, with Jerry Jones instead trying to circumvent the negotiation process by excluding an agent, then bemoaning the fact he got caught doing it.
Parsons is holding out, and has demanded a trade — saying he loves Dallas and the Cowboys, but ownership and management have made his situation untenable. It goes without saying that 31 teams would trip over themselves to make a deal for Parsons. It’s not often one of the best pass rushers in the NFL is available right before the season begins, and he’s the kind of impact player that could lift an established playoff team into Super Bowl contention.
Even knowing that, nobody expected the biggest source on a potential trade would be the Dallas-Fort Worth breast enlargement community.
The phrase “the breast enhancement community is rather close knit” is absolutely sending me, but the idea of Parsons to the Packers is an idea that has been floated around for some time now. As it stands Green Bay needs a high-tier, signature pass rusher with Rashawn Gary being their best option right now, and while he’s a great player, he’s not a double-digit sack artist like Parsons is.
Far be it from me to doubt the news-breaking credentials of a Twitter breast enlargement doctor called “Dr. Feelgood,” but looking through his account it’s very out of character to be sharing NFL news. In fact, most of Dr. Feelgood’s tweets center on promoting the cryptocurrency “Dust Burp,” which I wish was fake — but it’s very real, and he’s highly invested in trying to get people on board with his burping hippo memecoin.
“Dust Burp is going to be the next Bonk Fun.”
This makes me believe the Parsons rumor even more. Dr. Feelgood doesn’t have much to gain from sharing fake trade news about Micah heading to Green Bay, because every post that’s not about Dust Burp is a wasted opportunity that could be spent talking about Dust Burp.
There’s another wrinkle to this too. A now-deleted post on Reddit claimed something very similar at the same time as Dr. Feelgood, this time from inside the organization itself.
Obviously this should be met with scrutiny too, but Reddit users pointed out that u/gridirongamer has been on the Packers subreddit for 12 years, and never posted fake information either. When you have two people posting out of character stuff like this it shows there’s some smoke to this potential fire, and it has a lot of people buying into the idea that Parsons could be traded from the Cowboys to Packers before the season begins.
This matches up with a lot that our own Justis Mosqueda has heard about the Parsons situation, with his belief being that Jerry almost wants to punish Parsons by sending him out of the large Dallas market, and into the NFL’s smallest one. It’s his idea of the worst thing he could do as an owner, and Green Bay fits the bill.
Ultimately this feels really, really likely. There’s simply too many people and sources linking Parsons to Green Bay — but that doesn’t mean a deal is done. The Packers won’t trade for Parsons if he won’t sign an extension, and there’s a real chance Jerry Jones’ penchant for drama is leading him to tell people that he’s trading Parsons to the Packers, simply to elicit a response and put pressure on his star player to agree to his terms, lest he be sent to a small market.
Just remember: If this ends up happening we need to give credit to the Reddit user in Dallas, and buy some Dust Burp to help Dr. Feelgood’s portfolio.
Category: General Sports
